Its Monday at 9.32
and my eyes are grainy
in all I have to do.
When I have too much weekend
I start my week in
A weakened state and
I sit in
My office and
Think of him.
When I've not had enough sleep
the bags under my eyes loosen and
My tears fall out.
It’s not an excuse
I can’t see my list of to dos
Here in this space all I see is
Curled on the couch
by where you sat
Where we met and you shared
Your hopes and your fears
In that corner where you laughed about wheelchair
And in that cabinet all your handwriting peeks out at me
Scared to look for files or I’ll see
Your name age and birthdate. April 9 1993.
On that chair where you asked if you could speak for us, if you could speak for me.
I see you blow out your candles at Ferry Reach
18 years old
And now, sitting in the same chair
I can still hear
My scream when the call rang clear and changed my life.
I remember the disbelief during the long drive
To the small flourescent lit room
Hoping you were alive
And can’t escape
The look on your mama’s face
When we were told you were not.
And so now, on only a few hours of rest, I’m not at my best, and can’t stop imagining how they chased you.
How your hopes and fears seeped into the ground.
And then I watch the video play
And can’t look away even when my day begins to be lost.
I am awake, but so tired that I’m unsure if I’m dreaming
I can’t stop feeling.
I can’t start healing
I don’t feel healed
I remember how we circled and held hands on the tracks
where thick grass grows in the soil red with your hopes and fears
and I whispered your name.
I remember that my heart broke.
And I wonder if vines and wildflowers and weeds grow in the crack
And if that
Keeps me from falling in a deep abyss
Keeps me from thinking about how much I miss
Perhaps on a day
When I can’t see my way and
I’m exhausted and shaken
The vines shrivel up and expose the jagged edges
Of those raw nerves
I don’t know.
But tonight I will sleep.
I need a respite
So that I might
be hopeful and bright
I need to be rested
Not so I forget him
Will never forget him
But so I am strengthened
For the other Malcolms in my life.