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More Schtuff.

Dead Whale

July 30, 2016


I wasn’t following him on Instagram but someone wrote about his post on Facebook, and so everyone went searching it.  The caption read: ‘This has been one of my worst travel experiences of the year… The whole city smells like a dead whale.’




There was a collective gasp. A tremor of shock and horror.  Disbelief.   Who is this guy?  Is this a joke?  And are we the punchline? Some unknown (to us) DJ who was performing on the eve of our biggest summer holiday, our most special and incredible time of the year, just told his huge social media followers that Bermuda stinks.




I have lived on this tiny rock my entire life and still, when I’ve been traveling and am flying back home, it doesn’t look real.  Blues are surely only that blue in dreams.  Ocean only so clear in a storybook. Then, the plane doors open, and there it is - the smell of sunshine, cedar and salt.  Of steel pan and grass and full moon bonfires.  Of coral reefs and codfish breakfasts.  Of cricket and humid breeze and rum.  Of paradise and shipwrecks and pink sand. 


NOT of a dead whale.  


There was only one possible response.  The entire nation banded together to overreact.  It started off angry, but somewhat reasonable.


'We are nice people but do not tolerate ungrateful rude people like you. Go back to the airport and back to where you came from.'




And then…


 ‘You better be headed to a private beach because if we see you we’re liable to drown yo’ ass and push you into a sea of Portuguese man-of-wars.’


‘Gonna throw fish sandwiches and whale blubber at your ass.’


‘I hope someone throws sand in your eyes.’


‘Fucking drown with the dead whales.’


Ummm… Yikes much?


Post after post. Comment after comment on his Facebook, Instagram, Twitter… even his Wikipedia page was edited. 


'He also appears to be fond of insulting venues he plays, based on his commentary on Bermuda. Perhaps he is insecure about his status as a less than F-list celebrity, either way Jillionaire would seem to be a complete tool.'


The next day he deleted the original post, but never issued an apology.  (To the people who wanted to stone him?  Astonishing.)  And we proud, illogical, clearly insane islanders have not forgotten.  You sir, are not welcome here.




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